by Dr. Lorin Bradbury
Question: I’ve been married several years, and there have been some pretty serious ups and downs in our relationship. Growing up, I always heard my mother say that you never build up your man because if you do, he is more likely to take you for granted and leave your, or mess around on you. I’ve come to the conclusion that was not good advice. So, I have determined that I am going to do my part to make my marriage the best marriage possible. What are some things I can tell my husband that he needs to hear from me?
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Before I try to answer your question, I would like to compliment you for your insight into the fallacy of putting your husband down. You won’t keep him by beating him up; he needs respect if he is going to be able to give you the love you desire.
Forty years ago, when I first began pastoring, long before I had any training in psychology, I challenged the couples in the church I pastored to do something “nice” for one another. Each week during the service, I would ask individuals for testimonies of “nice” things done for them. “Nice” is a very generic word, but it resulted in everything from wonderful compliments to breakfast in bed.
In response to your question above, I poked around on the Internet and came across the website familyshare.com. On that site, I found an article by Heather Hale titled “10 Compliments Your Husband Needs to Hear.” She suggests complimenting your husband using one of these compliments each day. Reflecting back on the results of the “nice” exercise of so many years ago, daily compliments toward your husband may be very helpful to you. I encourage you to go to the website. There are many other excellent articles by different authors. Below are her ten suggested compliments. I took the liberty to make my own comments, which I put in italics.
1. I’m so glad I married you. Men need to feel secure in marriage, and the fastest way to let your man know he’s still the one is to tell him outright.
2. I love how you provide for our family. Or it can be as simple as saying thanks for providing for me, and if there are children, for our family.
3. I’m so proud of you. We live in a day in which men have been denigrated and mocked. They are often portrayed as lazy and stupid. Your husband needs to hear from you that you are proud of him. After forty-five years of marriage, I still love to hear my wife tell me she is proud of me.
4. If you have kids—You’re such a great daddy. If you don’t yet have children, look for the proper time to let him know he will be a great daddy.
5. You are so handsome! Look for the right time, and let him know you still think he’s the handsomest guy around. When you start thinking that way, you may start feeling those feelings you had when you first met.
6. Thanks for fixing (whatever he fixed). Whenever your husband plays Mr. Fix-It around the house, compliment his efforts. He needs to feel capable, especially when he’s taking care of you.
7. Thanks for the help around the house. Sincere compliments in this area will likely bring more help. Also, keep in mind, he may do it a different way than you, but don’t criticize. If you need for it to be done a different way than he does it, very respectfully tell him how you would like it done and why. Just like you, he needs to be built up, not torn down.
8. I like being around you because you make me laugh. You want to be sincere, so you should look for the right moment to tell him how he makes you laugh, or you can compliment him for his smile.
9. You’re so strong. Ah, I love this one, and so do most men. Go ahead; squeeze his biceps. Marvel at his physique.
10. I love spending time with you. We all get caught up in the business of everyday life, so let your spouse know that you still love to simply hang out with him. After all, you’ll be his best friend and constant companion forever. Take a little time today to thank the man in your life for all he does. It doesn’t take much to make your husband’s day, boost his confidence and make him want to lift you up in return.
It’s been said that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and a compliment a day keeps many problems away. You will likely feel much more loveable when you start complimenting.
And a note to you guys reading this—make a list of compliments that you can say to your wives. Love is reciprocal, so get started. If you give love, love will come back to you.
Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].
