Reconciling and Rebuilding

Dr. Lorin Bradbury, author of "Treasures from an Old Book, Ancient Wisdom for a Modern World".

by Dr. Lorin Bradbury

Question: Is it possible to reconcile after an affair and truly rebuild the relationship? I do not want to reveal whether I am a husband or a wife. But I am the one who was betrayed.

Answer: It is possible to reconcile and rebuild, but you may need professional help. There are some good resources available if you are considering reconciling. Give yourself plenty of time. If you are the impulsive type, this may be difficult for you, but think of time as your friend. I recently read a very good book on this topic, titled, I Do Again by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. Time was their friend.

Often when it comes to addressing any topic on marriage, I turn to the work of John Gottman, Ph.D. and his wife, Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Drawing from their many years of research, I will attempt to provide you with some key points from their works.

They suggest that you ask yourself the following questions before you either end the relationship or consider reconciliation:

1. If you could trust the betraying partner again, would you want to be married to him or her? Is there enough admiration and respect for the other person left to salvage the relationship?

2. Have you been able to let go of the anger and resentment toward the offending spouse? Are you willing to let go of the anger and resentment toward the offending spouse?

3. Can you forgive your spouse for his or her betrayal and are you willing to move toward reconciliation? Marriage research by the Gottmans and forgiveness research by Robert Enright, Ph.D. (one of the best-known forgiveness experts) and others has found that forgiveness is a powerful healing balm. Dr. Enright refers to forgiveness as a gift you give.

Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW, licensed therapist and author, building on the work of the Gottmans provides some phases that reconciling couples must go through if they are to successfully reconcile.

Phase 1: Atone. The party that violated the marriage vow must express remorse. Trust takes time to build, but it is much easier if the violating party is sincerely remorseful and transparent. The unfaithful party must put an end to the affair and end all contact with his or her lover. There can’t be any more secrets. Full disclosure is essential. The one who has been betrayed must be allowed to ask any question. But once there has been full disclosure, the betrayed party must not press for information that does not exist. 

Phase 2: Attune

This second phase can only occur once the couple moves ahead with forgiveness and is ready to rebuild. This is not the time to sweep anything under the rug, hoping it will get better. It’s also not the time to be afraid to “rock the boat.” If the boat can’t withstand a little rocking here, it will likely capsize later. The Gottmans provide help on both the atone and attune phases in their book, 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. According to Gaspard, “As part of this new commitment to cherish each other, the couple goes public with the state of their relationship and alerts the people closest to them (such as children and in-laws) that they are recommitted and are working toward rebuilding trust. This helps establish this new relationship as ‘real’ and garners support.”

Phase 3: Attach. The final phase has to do with the willingness to reconnect by taking the risk of physical intimacy. The Gottmans’ research has shown, “Without the presence of sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both, the relationship can’t begin again.” They have found that sexual intimacy serves as a barrier against future infractions.

Keep in mind that if you choose reconciliation, the work involved in building trust and intimacy is complicated and takes time. If you are the betrayer, you can’t demand that your betrayed spouse simply forgive you and get over it. To demand such is an indication of lack of remorse and further abuse. In the process, both must be allowed to have time to speak and be heard.

Also, this is not the time to go out and try to build a relationship with someone else because you believe this relationship is over. Since you are questioning what to do, give yourself and the offending spouse time to decide what you want to do. It’s also not the time to have an affair out of spite. That not only damages any potential hope for reconciliation, it does further damage to you.

I hope and pray something in this response answers your question and his helpful to you.

Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].

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