by Tad Lindley
Praise the Lord reader. The account I am about to relay to you is real. Its impact on me was very strong for two reasons. First of all “Suggalirtuqatartua” was one of the first Yup’ik sentences I ever learned. Secondly, it had been nearly a month since I had eaten pilot bread.
You see, we had been traveling in the lower forty-eight, and they don’t sell it down there. When I saw a large tray of pilot bread on the table at the feast, I passed by many other dishes to get to it. On my way to the drinks table, I raised that hard disk off of my plate toward my mouth. Before it ever got to my mouth, I noticed that there was something wrong. I froze. My eyes swam in a sea of denial; I did not want to believe it. Although it looked very similar to the product we have all grown to love, it was different. The holes were approximately one millimeter in diameter larger, and instead of sloping inward, they appeared to have been punched out of the dough.
I thought perhaps this was an isolated case, but when I purchased a box out of a freshly opened case at the local retailer, I was confronted with this same strange situation. Most American citizens would be unable to detect the counterfeit, but when you have literally handled thousands of pieces of pilot bread as we have, you discern the counterfeit immediately. By the time this paper hits your hands you may have already experienced this strange new pilot bread.
International conspiracy?
I have run through several possible scenarios in my mind. Perhaps corporate espionage: foreign nations desiring to siphon off some of the $2.5 million a year Alaskan pilot bread market have flooded us with bootleg crackers. Wholesalers have snapped up the cheaper product not realizing their ruse would immediately be uncovered. Or possibly, the manufacturer has made slightly larger holes to reduce the amount of flour they use and the shipping costs while still charging the same price. I suppose it is possible that the bakers have simply started using new equipment to stamp the crackers out of the dough. If that was the case though, one would expect the boxes to be labeled “New and Improved Pilot Bread, Even Bigger Holes!”
E-mail has been sent to the Interbake Corporation, makers of Sailor Boy ™ pilot bread. I hope to have the issue resolved by next week’s paper. In the interest of assessing how widespread this phenomenon is, I am asking all readers who have come across this unusual hole pattern to e-mail me in care of [email protected] with the name of the town you live in and the approximate date you first noticed these strange new crackers.
The trick to detecting counterfeits
We in the Calista region are among the highest per capita consumers of pilot bread in the entire nation! For this reason we will immediately know if pilot bread is real or not. This same principle can be used by bankers and treasury department workers in locating counterfeit money. Long term exposure to the real thing makes the first counterfeit bill they handle stick out like a sore thumb. Not because they have ever seen counterfeit money, but because they have seen a lot of the real thing.
Pilot bread and religion
This is why it is essential that we read the Bible. It is God’s letters to human beings. Readers, there are counterfeit teachings out there. If we don’t read our Bible daily, when we run across counterfeit preaching, we will be fooled. Counterfeit Christianity has been around for almost 2,000 years now. This is why Jude pleaded with people to earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints (Jude3). Jude was referring to that the fact that there is only one faith that saves. According to the Bible there is only one Lord, one faith, one baptism (Ephesians 4:5). Which Lord is it? Which faith is it? Which baptism is it? I could tell you what I think, but what if I were a counterfeiter? You deserve to know the real thing. Read the Bible.
My preacher doesn’t want me to read the Bible
If that is the case, red flags should be going up. A man who is preaching the word of God and not the traditions of men should not fear you knowing whether he is correct or not. Not only that, Jesus wants you to know the truth. Blessed is the man…who delights in the law of the Lord and in his law doth he meditate day and night. (Psalm 1:1-2) Whether it is pilot bread or religion, handle the real thing daily, so you will not be tricked by the counterfeit.
Tad Lindley is a minister at the United Pentecostal Church in Bethel, Alaska.
