
by Dr. Lorin Bradbury
Question: I’m preparing to graduate from high school. I’ve had some dates, but I have never been sexually active. I made a choice not to become sexually involved with any of my dates. But as I look ahead, I keep wondering is it really better to marry, or would it be just as good to live together for a while before marriage, to sort of try marriage out? My parents don’t seem to care, but my grandparents keep telling me marriage is the better way. What do you think?
Answer: I personally have a strong opinion that marriage is the way to go. But I’m not alone. Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., an attorney and behavioral analyst wrote an article I Psychology Today, titled “The Advantages of Marriage Over Cohabitation: How wedding bells can improve well-being.” She presents four advantages of marriage over cohabitation:
•The commitment of marriage is more satisfying than cohabitation.
•Tying the knot often strengthens relationships.
•Formalizing a partnership creates investment.
•Marriage is celebrated as a significant life event.
The satisfaction factor. According to the Pew Research Center, Married couples express higher levels of satisfaction with their relationship than those who cohabitate. Fifty-eight percent of married couples reported being satisfied with their relationship, compared with 41% of cohabitators.
Strengthened Relationships. The Pew Research Center statistics found that a significantly larger share of married couples than cohabitating couples expressed that they are very satisfied with their relationship. Seventy-eight percent of married couples expressed feeling closer to their spouse than any other person, compared to only 55% of those who cohabitated. Dr. Patrick noted that wedding bells seem to improve well-being. The commitment of marriage and sense of permanence appears to strengthen the relationship. It is more complicated to walk out of a marriage relationship, therefore, there is a greater tendency to “work things out.”
Relational Investment. Morten Blekesaune, noted that couples who are cohabiting are not as likely to invest emotionally into their relationship as those who are committed by marriage. Until a couple commits/covenants in marriage, there is a sense of uncertainty. “How much do I want to put into this relationship if it’s going nowhere?” “At what point is the more perfect Mr. or Mrs. Right going to come along and I am going to be dumped.”
In contrast, marriage is supposed to be for life. There seems to be a greater willingness to invest into making a marriage better, or even the best. More often than not, this willingness to invest is not present in a cohabitating relationship because “I can simply walk away.”
Significant Event. Marriage is a significant milestone in the life of a couple that is usually associated with the invitation of relatives and other guests to celebrate the union of a husband and a wife. Dr. Patrick concluded her article with the following message, “Marriage is both a covenant and a commitment. Considering the potential benefits and advantages, it is a decision that should be made carefully, prayerfully, and sensibly.”
Foundation of Social Order. I would like to conclude with a thought of my own. Throughout history, marriage, in one form or another, has been the foundation of social order. It is the foundation upon which all of society is built. Marriage is the structure into which children are born, raised, instructed, provided moral values, and then released to create their own families built upon the foundation of marriage.
Going back to the question that spawned the above response, I believe you can find good reasons to marry rather than cohabitate. Further, I have only touched the tip of the iceberg. You can do some research on your own. This summer, my wife and I will celebrate 51 years of marriage. I am so glad we chose to marry, rather than cohabitate. Best wishes for your future.
Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].