Enabling

Dr. Lorin Bradbury, author of "Treasures from an Old Book, Ancient Wisdom for a Modern World".

by Dr. Lorin Bradbury

Question: I have been taking a class on addictions, and I am learning about how one spouse “enables” the other spouse to continue using alcohol or drugs. As I have been studying the topic, it seems to have a much broader application than substance abuse. Am I correct? What are other ways people “enable”?

Answer: I am unsure of the history of the words “enable,” “enabling,” or “enabler,” but it seems to have come to be a common term in the treatment of addictive substances. The most common picture is an alcoholic man who is enabled to keep his job by his wife calling in on Monday mornings making excuses for him not being able to go to work. In doing so, she enables him to continue his addictive lifestyle. But you are right, it has a much broader application than that.

Enabling can be seen when parents give into the wants of young children to keep them from throwing tantrums. This enables them to continue throwing tantrums whenever they don’t get what they want. There are parents who enable their teenagers to continue risky behavior, including substance use, because they are afraid to confront such behaviors. The parents say they fear their children will threaten worse behaviors, such as running away, threatening them with harm, or even threatening harm to themselves. But by not confronting those risky behaviors, the parents are enabling those children to continue down the path to even riskier behaviors.

Some parents allow adult children to live irresponsible lives by allowing them to live at home and live off of them, rather than forcing them to work, provide for themselves, and obtain their own place of residence. Typically, there is some level of control being exercised on the part of the parent. By allowing the adult child to live at home, even if he or she doesn’t contribute to the overall welfare of the household, the parents feels as though they have some level of control what that adult child does. Or they obtain some secondary gain by keeping the adult child at home. Unfortunately, this stunts the development of the adult child and results in adolescent behavior well into adulthood.

If you recognize that you are an enabler, STOP IT! If you are making excuses for an adult in your household with an addictive disorder, refuse to enable. If you are a parent allowing your teenager to manipulate you with threats harm to you, your home, or to themselves, refuse to back down.

Take control of your home, exercise your God-given authority, and define what behavior is acceptable in your home. If necessary, reach out to community resources, such as counselors, and even the police when threats are expressed, or violent behavior results in destruction of property. Recognize those kinds of behaviors are another form of throwing a tantrum.

And if you are a parent that encourages your adult children to continue living at home without maintaining employment and contributing to their cost of living, call a family meeting and inform the adult child you expect him or her to find employment and a place to live. Develop a transition plan. (I have another question that has come in concerning developing a transition plan. I will take that up next week.)

Returning to the above question, “Yes, there are many other forms of enabling that people should be aware of besides those associated with addictive behaviors. I trust this short response helps you and someone reading this.

Lorin L. Bradbury, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Bethel. For appointments, he can be reached at 543-3266. If you have questions that you would like Dr. Bradbury to answer in the Delta Discovery, please send them to The Delta Discovery, P.O. Box 1028, Bethel, AK 99559, or e-mail them to [email protected].

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